Shark Week - Send It

In celebration of one of the most glorious weeks on the idiot box, Discovery Channel's Shark Week, this contributor would like to wax nostalgic on one of the most beloved, believable, and inebriated characters ever to grace the silver screen. He sang "Fairwell and Adieu" to Mr. Hooper and his shark cage and taught the Chief how to tie a sheep shank - "not too good is it Chief." He convincingly delivered what is and will always be one of the single finest monologues in cinematic history (besides Carl Spangler describing the 'Lama as a big hitter - long) - hint, it begins with "Japanese submarine slammed two torpedoes into our side Chief." And he generously offered the people of Amity Island to "find him for three, but I'll catch him, and kill him, for ten....for that you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing." No actor could bring to life Peter Benchley's gruff, no-nonsense, totally lovable sea dog Quint better than the late Robert Shaw in the 1975 Senor Spielbergo thriller Jaws, an Oscar recipient 3 times over. AMC has been running the film lately along with it's less glittery, over-budget-under-delivering sequels.

For those who overpay for Comcast On Demand, check out the 2008 Shark Week sub category under the Discovery Networks for some episodes. Surviving Sharks with Les Fraud (Stroud) of Survivorman fame, unfortunately fails to deliver anything but amature diving techniques and pure overly dramatic sensationalistic dialog/fodder. Reasons behind this initial disappointment include the three strikes Fraud has against him - he's an idiot, he is never really in danger, and he's Canadian. Aside from the human talent flop, the animals shine as the true stars of the show and deliver the awe inspiring power and raw instinct that keeps this contributor glued to the tube.

Especially entertaining are the Tiger and Bull Sharks which are notorious man-eaters as well as the terror inducing Carcharodon Carcharias - the Great White - known for it's incredible bite radius and ability to create Volkswagon size stool. Other notable sharks that may be seen throughout the week are:

THE Shark (Meltus Downus in Majorus) - The Shark can usually be found on a plane on Friday afternoon after missing a cut or weeping privately on his vineyard after another meltdown in a Major. Hey Shark, sometimes par is good enough buddy.

The Turd Shark (Feceus Stinkus) - The Turd Shark inhabits the sub-temperate Atlantic waters off the coast of New Jersey, mainly around LBI and Avalon. It is a miracle of evolution in the fact that it tolerates multiple infected syringe punctures and waters polluted with extreme amounts of chadrooly

D-Baiig hair gel. The contents of its stomach often include gold pepper chains, wife beaters, and flat billed designer Yankee hats with the hologram stickers still on them.

Do yourself an effing favor and tune your dials to the Discovery Channel this evening for some terrifying goodness as Shark Week swims your way - you'll never go in the water again, and that's probably a good thing for all you Jersey Shore chadrools.

Glorious

MacArthur is to the Philippines as Bandini is to Avalon

Underrated-Overrated

Think THOAD and THOD, although THOD has become so irrelevant there may be no need for a rating at all. In this segment, I will present underrated and overrated movies, directors, actors, and humans.

The underated movie of the day is "The Kingdom". Peter Berg, also known as Dr. Billy Kronk on Chicago Hope, directed this intense ACTION movie starring Jamie Foxx. The story is centered around terrorism and is based in Saudi Arabia. Apparently this very setting means that this movie must be cutting edge and issue brilliant commentary on the state of the Middle East and the role of the U.S. in the world. Rottentomatoes.com , which compiles the opinions of almost all critics, gave the movie a 51%, and many of the reviews were similar to the one written by Alanso Duralde of MSNBC.
"It fails in its attempt to be a serious drama with important things to say about the ongoing conflicts in the Middle East." Ooooh, Ooooh, Oooh, I'm Alanso, and I'm going to use this opportunity to take a movie based in Saudi Arabia to show the world about how much I know about the situation and how little Peter Berg does. Get over yourself you prick, I hate critics like this. I prefer the thoughts of Christian Toto from the Washington Times: "The Kingdom unapologetically shows U.S. agents knocking off terrorists." This is a good action movie that suffered the consequences of snobby assholes weilding their power with the pen.

The Dark Knight Movie Review

Admittedly, I think all that can be written about this movie has been. It was so awesome my pants almost became the newest addition to the turd gallery. Four Duchamps

THOAD's 2008 College Football Preview

This is the first (and last) installment of THOAD's 2008 College Football Preview. Today we will focus on your 2008 Penn State Nittany Lions.

With Fall practice exactly one week away, it's time to talk PSU football and what you can expect from this year's Nittany Lions. Now, if you want an uneducated preview, then go to Barnes and Noble and pick up one of the Ohio State love-fest mags, but if you want the true PSU profile, then "I'm your huckleberry."

Bottom line: Just like last year, every single game on PSU's schedule is winnable, and (just like last year) the success of the season will likely come down to quarterback play. The good news is that Anthony Morrelli is finally gone and his replacements, Daryll Clark and Pat Devlin, are much better than their predecessor, especially in the mental aspects of the position. The bad news is that there are two of them, and unless there is a clear-cut starter, we could see both of them get snaps, which could get dicey. Nevertheless, PSU's offensive line could be its best since '94, and its ultra-deep defensive line (led by All-American candidate Maurice Evans) is arguably the best in the Big Ten, if not the entire nation. PSU opens Big Ten play the last weekend of September when Illinois visits for an 8 p.m. showdown. This important game should show onlookers how good/bad the team really is. The schedule does, however, feature some grueling road games, including October dates in Columbus and Madison, both of which have given PSU some out-of-town headaches. Needless to say, your Nittany Lions have their work cut out for them; they return 17 starters from last year's team (9 on offense, 8 on defense), and have great talent at almost every position. The questions will start to be answered on Labor Day Saturday, but don't be surprised if quarterback play determines the outcome of the season.

KNITS picks:

season: 11-1. Just like always, we'll play well for 3.5 quarters in Columbus, but then fall apart and lose in the latter stages. A Rose Bowl berth will ease the pain.

offensive player of the year: The offensive line.
runner-up: Derrick Williams

defensive player of the year: Maurice Evans

runner-up: AJ Wallace

Now onto other stuff. Here's some unknown names that could become household ones:

Offense:

1. Stephfon Green, RB: He's fast, and very hungry to play. Plays like a leaner Ki-Jana Carter.

2. Stefan Wisniewski, OG: Wisniewski, the son of former Lion great Leo, was a partial starter as a true freshman last year, something un-heard-of for an O lineman in the Joe Paterno era. He could go down as one of the greatest lineman we've ever had when it's all said and done.

3. Andrew Szczerba, TE: Yes, that's the real spelling of is name. He's big and has great hands. Could be a great target streaking down the field.

Defense:

1. Devon Still, DT: PSU will have to get him on the field because he's big and nasty.

2. Eric Lattimore, DE: Was second team DE last season as a true freshman, but the coaches didn't want to burn his redshirt. He's good.

3. D'Anton Lynn, S/CB: A true freshman from Texas, Lynn could see playing time in the defensive backfield or he could redshirt to save his abilities. He could even see time on offense, just like Justin King and AJ Wallace have.

Ok, there you have it. For more player-specific info, please contact the writer. In any case, enjoy the season and Let's Go State!

Jose, Jose, Jose, Jose, Jose, Jose

THOAD Obtains New Sponsor:

Outside the Lines---PSU

On Sunday at 9:30 a.m. (est), Penn State Football will be the focal point of ESPN's Outside the Lines. During the feature, Penn State's recent (actually not recent) off-the-field issues will be examined, and will include interviews with journalists, players, and Joe Paterno.

Although Penn State football has been very "clean" most recently, the ambulance-chasing media giant ESPN can never let anything rest. They must get to the bottom of everything, even if it means trying to dig up theories that don't exist.

Here's to hoping that they present just the facts, formulate no absurd opinions, and allow the Penn State folks to defend our good name and our reputation.

We Are...Penn State.

Teddy Likie

Click here. You will not be disappointed.
Duchamp doesn't only do movies. This internet oldy but goody gets the highest rating of four Teddy's.

The Darkest of All Knights

The happies of all weeks, which included a delicious wing on Monday capped off with a $120 poker win, followed by a Tuesday night visit to Shea Stadium for a great Phillies victory in a shit park, continued with the first and last trip Teddy Duchamp will ever make to the hallowed Yankees Stadium (amazing), will move forward with a viewing of "The Dark Knight" this evening. Although the Coldplay concert is on the docket for Friday, of all the weeks events, tonight's may be the most highly anticipated. Stay tuned for tomorrow's review.

Big Ten Media Event Starts Today

The annual Big Ten Media Event kicks-off today in Chicago. The event, which ends tomorrow, features interviews with players, coaches, and much discussion of the upcoming college football season. Although this year's event will probably be yet another Ohio State love fest, this writer is looking forward to hearing interviews with PSU players Josh Gaines, AQ Shipley, and Derrick Williams. Not to be forgotten, however, is the always-anticipated press conference with Coach Joe Paterno.

Here's a quick preview of some of the lines that the living legend may say during his time with the press:

-"He's a good young man..."

-"What am I gonna do, cut grass?"

-"I'm not gonna get into that."

-"We're a good team, but we have a long way to go."

-"...and the whole bit..."

Stay tuned to THOAD (or a less respectable outlet like ESPN) for more information.

BEAVER!

Officially now #1

http://ilovepsu.com/2008/03/13/beaver-stadium-now-the-nations-largest-stadium/

2008 Whitout Shirt Also; really kicks the shit out of the one I bought last year

"Fock OSU," "Don't come into the Beaver"

Which One's On Your Car?

Oval stickers with either names of places or catchy abbreviated monikers have become quite popular in the last decade. These stickers are usually found attached to cars/trucks for their owners to proudly display the neat places they've visited or "funny" phrases they enjoy.

THOAD is currently developing several oval stickers which will soon be available for public consumption but in this exclusive preview, we're releasing some prototype designs.

Run, Don't Walk

The only way to feel better after a tough Amazin's loss last night was a bag of these at midnight, so good.

PSU Campus Update--Beaver Stadium

This just in to THOAD:

PSU's Beaver Stadium will get even more awesome this fall. Officials have announced that 2 new, enormous LED scoreboards will be installed in the stadium. The scoreboards will show "scores from other games" and even current in-game stats.

When asked about the new addition, one PSU alum remarked, "It'll be titties!"

For more info on this, check it:

http://footballstadiumdigest.com/news/index.html?article_id=193

CONSPIRACY THEORY

According to the attached article, everyone's All-American QB, Brett Favre contacted the Vikings from a Packer's Issued Cell Phone. I think this is a ploy to have Favre contribute to the Packers even while retired. Don't be surprised if you see calls made to the Bears also. You heard it hear first, this is all calculated! In other news, regardless of the aforementioned tampering, as reported by Knits, Madden is not just in love with Favre, he was caught Frenching Brian Dawkins again outside of a Tasty Freeze.

http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/blog/shutdown_corner/post/Brett-Favre-might-want-to-invest-in-his-own-cell?urn=nfl,95401

Ode To The Side Boob

One of the most overlooked and under appreciated aspects of daily life is the occasional appearance of the “side boob”. Simply put, the side boob is, well, the side of the boob. Side boob is easily visible with low cut shirts/dresses in the summertime but its most highly coveted sighting is through "the window” of a button-down shirt commonly worn in a professional or corporate setting. This specific type of side boob sighting is usually caused by a tightly fitting business attire shirt, which ripples upon sitting. On more rare occasions, it is simply caused by the sheer size and protrusion of said boobs causing tension on the shirt while the buttons hold the fabric taut, creating "the window". Due to its elusive nature, mainly caused by movement, it is not recommended to seek out the side boob. If spotted, prolonged viewing of side boob is frowned upon as it may cause awkwardness and most importantly, awareness. So heres to you, side boob, your lure lies in your simplicity.

For more on side boob, visit sideboob.org

THOAD contributor Dr. Rosenpenis is currently conducting a medical study on the phenomenon of side boob and will report upon conclusion of the research period.

Vote for the Blue and White!

Vote for Penn State's helmet in the first round of ESPN's "Helmet Clash":

http://sports.espn.go.com/chat/sportsnation/story?page=helmetspennstclemson&POLL348=200000

Let's Go State!

THOAD Invention of the day

THOAD recommends a timer on the toilet for work bathrooms to know when it was used last.



The great feeling of the afternoon dump is spoiled when you sit down on a warm lid and know one of your co-workers just had the same feeling and left his body heat and scent in your stall.

THOAD Wins...

...a "Webby" award! The Webby Awards is the leading international award honoring excellence on the Internet and have chosen THOAD as "Best New Blog". THOAD was presented with the honor for excelling in categories of content and layout. The founders of THOAD are not surprised at the decision due to the complete meltdowns of other once flourishing blogs. Some imitating blogs have drastically changed layouts and style in a desperate attempt to keep up with THOAD's escalating popularity. It may be too late for the others, but THOAD would like to thank its contributors for a stellar opening and bright future.

THOAD...indeed.

PSU Campus Update!

This just in to THOAD:

As of 3:15 p.m. (est), not one person has entered or exited The Palmer Museum of Art today, July 21.

Despite the weather-worn, ultra-tits lion paws that decorate the museum's front steps, PSU officials (and this writer) are still wondering why the damn thing even exists.



oh, and the HUB lawn was mowed this morning.

#80

A great GIANT, always a threat down the middle and on Page 6.

Flawed, Unintelligent, Dumb...No, Not THOD! "The Happening"

Talent, pure talent. Pride in a city many of us know and love. These are the characteristics that a once great director and a once great blog shared at the beginning of their respective careers. However, as the promising talent that M.Night displayed in The Sixth Sense has taken a self absorbed turn for the worse, so too has the content and direction of "those we do not speak of." So similar are the ascensions and undoing of these Philadelphia institutions, that this critic has learned that M.N.S.'s next thriller will be an untitled, uninteresting, non-suspenseful, and stupid work of historical fiction which sees the eyes of young gentlemen in the Philadelphia bleed when they enter a certain blog spot. Apparently the blood that drips from the eyes of the men oozes into the streets to unite into a blob that attacks cars that are deficient on miles per gallon and emisions. I'm as excited for this movie as I am for the next entry from "Incredible Hick".Oh yeah, The Happening sucks.  One Duchamp!

The Man

Yesterday, one of the greatest human beings to ever live, Joseph Vincent Paterno, was inducted into The College Football Hall of Fame.

Everyone in the world should raise a glass in honor of the beloved coach, for now is a great time to say "Thank you Joe!" and "We Are PENN STATE!"

The P. tonight

The remaining contributors of the competitor

Looking for "a big night out, brah" to feel better about their failing blog

Please Believe!

Even Par after 2 rounds! only one back!

Let's go stormin' norman!

Underrated Movies

When it rains on your glorious shore weekend, I advise to check some of these flicks out from the local Blockbuster- 5 of the most underrated movies of recent memory.